FilmBlather.com

"I'll take all the candles you got."
"We don't carry candles."
"Well, I'll take that road flare."

The fact that Johnson Family Vacation isn't a debacle despite being a ripoff, a mess and a product placement platform is a testament to something, though I'm not quite sure what. The script contains occasional hints of the amusing, wholesome family comedy this might have been, before it devolves into impromtu variety shows, broken jeeps and other such nonsense. The cast is split between seasoned professionals and newbie musician-turned-actors; appropriately, they have some moments of inspiration and some that are agonizingly phony and cloying.

Often when my take on a film is borderline negative like this, I'll offer reasons why the filmmakers almost had it, but didn't quite get there. In the case of Johnson Family Vacation, I can't do so; this is a movie that was destined for mediocrity. Sure, something decent could theoretically have been made from this premise (and has been -- see National Lampoon's Vacation), but it would have required a vastly different approach. I'm pretty sure the writers and producers had their minds set on that last act talent contest.

The film's greatest asset is Cedric the Entertainer, who is perfect for the role of the gruff, macho, staunchly traditional upper middle-class father taking his family to the annual family reunion. He and his wife Dorothy (Vanessa L. Williams) have recently separated, though none of their extended family is aware of this. Their son Lavernius James, a.k.a. DJ (Bow Wow) is currently enamored of the new flashy Lincoln (Lincoln! Lincoln!) SUV that they will be taking on the road trip, though they have to make sure to return it in one piece so that Nate (Cedric) can de-pimpify it later.

On the way, they get into a predictable series of adventures, including bizarre hitchhikers, Indian casinos, and throwing urine at cops. Bizarrely, for what is ostensibly a family film, there is an ongoing subplot involving Nate trying and failing to score with his wife, inevitably leading to him being stuck in a hot tub with several very large and very horny women. There is, however, one fairly hysterical joke involving a road flare.

This is all tolerable enough stuff, roughly on the level of a decent sitcom, and it wasn't until the last thirty minutes that I felt the need to leave and spend my Friday afternoon doing something else. Here, the film starts in with some idiocy about Nate winning the "Family of the Year" trophy away from his brother in a potato sack race, and eventually we wind up watching a stage with Bow Wow lip-syncing a rap song and the rest of the cast merrily doing a rehearsed dance in the background before all hugging and being happy forever. What the hell? Did I mistakenly walk into Johnson Family Revue? Is this really the kind of movie that needed a grand finale?

Bow Wow had a charming debut in the generally moronic Like Mike; he's grown up quite a bit since, and has apparently learned to overact, though mysteriously, this goes away as the film progresses. It's good to see the lovely Vanessa Williams return to the big screen for the first time since the Shaft remake, despite the fact that she proves mostly useless here. But while the genuinely talented Cedric often lives up to his nickname here, Johnson Family Vacation is mostly just toothless and silly.