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"Stand by for sushi!"

Hoping to capitalize on the rollicking success of Treasure Planet, Dreamworks will release Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas, a very similar animated feature voiced by a cadre of A-list stars including Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michelle Pfeiffer.

Oh wait. Treasure Planet wasn't a success at all; in fact, it was one of the most gargantuan flops in Disney history. Can Dreamworks go on a two movie winning streak against the Mouse, following Shrek with another hit? At the box-office, it shouldn't be difficult to one-up Treasure Planet at the box-office, as the movie took in all of 38 million dollars in its Thanksgiving 2002 release. As far as artistic merit is concerned, well, no such luck. Cutesy and inane, with stilted dialogue, a sappy romance, uncomfortable blending of CGI and cel animation, and a stunning lack of a climax, Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas is one of the weakest animated efforts in a long time. Because of the fact that these movies take an excruciatingly long time to produce, their scripts tend to be polished and efficient. Not the case here.

The plot is an "honor among thieves" sort of thing, with the legendary pirate Sinbad (voice of Brad Pitt) leading his capable crew on a quest to find the "Book of Peace," a magical implement that has somehow protected the lands of the Seven Seas for untold thousands of years. At first, Sinbad wants to steal the book for himself, but when he is accosted by Eros, the Goddess of Chaos (Michelle Pfeiffer), who tells him that if he brings the book to her she will make him unspeakably rich, his plans change.

Those plans change yet again when Eros steals the Book from Sinbad's childhood friend Prince Proteus (Josepg Fiennes), and frames the pirate for the crime. Proteus, in his infinite wisdom, offers his head for Sinbad's, and the latter, along with Proteus's sassy girlfriend (Catherine Zeta-Jones), has to go recover the Book to save his buddy's life. But will he risk his own life for his friend or will he do what everyone but Proteus assumes: take his men to Fiji and live out his life in an island paradise? What do you think?

The problem is one of false pretenses. Sinbad claims to be a rousing adventure on the high seas, but it's nothing of the sort. There are some elements here that would suggest an adventure film, yes, but they are utterly overwhelmed by cutesy characterizations, token feminism, and dialogue to make you cringe. There is actually a running subplot in which Sinbad thinks that a ship is no place for a woman, so of course, the woman has to prove that she is fit to be on the ship. Myself, I thought we had taken care of this issue back in the 60's, but I guess not.

The first scene in Sinbad, in which Eros promises to do some mischief, sets the right tone. In the next scene, Sinbad and Proteus have to fight off an attacking dragon, and things are still looking good. Then they begin to get progressively worse. By about the halfway point, the action consists mainly of Sinbad bickering with the unruly woman. By the end of the third act, we expect a big set piece to compensate for the inaction we just sat through, but nothing doing: there is literally no climax. I guess it's a good thing when a family movie resolves its conflict without violence, but is that what you came for when you paid to see a movie entitled Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas?

Treasure Planet was one of the few really tough family movies, something pre-teen boys could really sink their teeth into. Sinbad is too cute for older kids, too bland for younger kids and too cute and too bland for the rest of us.